The Story I need to Tell
I always try to be positive when I post. That's why there are months where there was nothing. Because during that time I didn't know what to say. Even when I did post, I tried to only post positive things but I left a lot out. I think now I'm finally at a place where I can say what I feel and I can say what was really going on.
A little background.
If you have read previous posts, then you have some background. I think it all started from my first trip to the beach in Thailand. I fell in love with the beach. I felt like I belonged there. So I started praying about moving there. My prayers lasted two years. I needed a job to go. The options were limited. I really thought this is where God was leading me and I just needed to be patient.
After 2 yrs, I landed a job at Montessori(I had no training but was interested). The pay was low. The rent was high and I was leaving a job I loved. But I thought this was where I was supposed to be. So I was willing to do the sacrifice.
From the moment I arrived, I should have realized things were off. It was no fault of my friends. The person I thought I would be working with was gone. She moved with her family back to the USA. I ended up being the person who helped interview my colleagues and give school tours despite not knowing much of anything at that point.
Fast Forward
I arrived at the beach during the last couple of weeks of my new school's end of the year. So a couple of months later, I was helping set up the new school year and starting a new school year which for me, ended up quite short lived. One week into the new school year to be exact. There just weren't enough students. I was the expendable one. I lost the deposit on the new place I was planning to move to because the place I started with was no longer available and all of us in it had to move. I thought I found the perfect new place but then I had to let it go. I had to scramble to figure out what I would do for work and where I would get a visa since my visa was tied to my job. Thankfully my employer felt bad letting me go and didn't cancel my visa.
Returning Home
I returned to the closest place that I called home. Chiang Mai. I had friends, 2 churches and a community. But I had no job. I sucked up my pride and started interviewing at Thai schools. I landed a job at one of the best schools around. Maybe just best in name. I was miserable there. My co teacher was unreliable and frustrating. I wondered why I went to grad school if this was where I was going to end up. I was just teaching English and my special ed degree was clearly not needed.
The Struggle.
When I was in Chiang Mai, I returned to church and my life just not my job. I struggled to understand why something I thought was from God could be so off. I had never prayed for something so long. I didn't know where I had gone wrong. I still don't. I met my now ex boyfriend during the transition from the beach to Chiang Mai. He was a great help. Someone I could talk to.
Bangkok
I eventually moved to Bangkok in hopes that a new job would better and to be closer to my then boyfriend. My job was not all that I thought it would be. I lost a bit of weight.I lost self esteem and I learned what it was like to dread going to work. I received criticism for everything. I got to where I didn't want to speak up at work. I didn't know what if anything that I did was right. Thank goodness that contract was only just over 7 months. Then I got a new job with a longer contract. The first year in the new job seemed like normal stress and even though I was a classroom teacher-not what I wanted to be doing, I figured I would find my way back to special ed eventually. And I did. But it came with a price.
Last year in Bangkok/Samut Prakan
I broke up with my boyfriend and found a new one prior to my last job in Bangkok. In fact we're still together. But he couldn't protect me from the 2nd year of my seemingly normal new job. In my 2nd year, the new principal quit after the first month of school. A new temporary principal was sent in. She only knew how to criticize. And whatever new things the school had started when I got the job, were reversed back to the old way of doing things with the new principal. I started to feel like I didn't know anything. Like why didn't I know that homework had to be signed. Why didn't I know which colors were needed for student grading and which for teachers. I was stressed and overwhelmed. Suddenly I wasn't trusted as teacher. None of us were. And nothing I did seemed to be right. There was also my constant pet peeve that the students received nothing but criticism from the new principal which went against everything I learned from my teacher program and American teaching. But I felt like I couldn't say anything. I wasn't Singaporean after all.
Term 2.
At the end of term 1 I knew something was wrong. Only some complaints at parent conferences, some anger at a wrong answer on the exam(I didn't grade it) and the yelling in the principal's office as I was signing out on the last day before Christmas break. I seriously think God was responsible for making sure I avoided that. I found out later that the yelling had to do with me. While I never heard details til after Christmas break, I felt like something had gone down. I didn't really see how 1 wrong answer an exam could cost me my job but still felt this need during the holiday to consult my friend with a law firm in town and my contract.
Term 2 brought in a new principal who would be more permanent. She had a more friendly exterior than the last. But 2 days after the start of term 2, I was called in for a meeting. Apparently my parents didn't like some errors that I had made during term 1 on grading homework and classwork. They had spent the term gathering evidence which they presented on the last day of term 1 hence the loud meeting. I was given the chance of resigning or quitting. I was shocked. My school wanted to fire me for grading errors? And my parents couldn't be bothered all term to share their concerns with me. I could barely process it. And to make matters worse, I was actively job hunting for this current school year and needed to look good for prospective schools. Not having a job was going to jeopardize getting a future job with any school.
My Decision
I spent the next two days consulting my lawyer friend and boyfriend who is well versed in school administration. They both had the same conclusion. Don't quit. So I told the school on Friday of that first week and stood my ground when they continued to try to point out my faults. I said my goodbyes that day and figured it was my last day. I went to the principal and discovered she hadn't sent my coordinator on a wild goose chase for my student work for nothing. She was looking for evidence but she also discovered that the parents had made a mistake. A miscommunication which the parents would have known if they had shared their concerns with me about grading errors. Long story short, I wasn't fired. My position was changed to learning support. The school didn't have such a thing but it had some students. So I spent the next two terms attempting to create it. Really I was just killing time because the school didn't really seem ready for such a position. But hopefully my students benefited during that short time. I also made a point to look busy and try to fly below the radar til the end of the year. That included limiting contact with unhelpful colleagues and only going to the principal or vice principal if I had no other option.
Freedom
I got 'free' in July. Free from the job that literally seemed to oppress me from the time I arrived each day. I left out a lot of details because I could literally write a book and it would be depressing and negative. I spent July focusing on the job I was headed to and closing down my life in Thailand. I was hoping I would still remember who I was before things went downhill. I had already noticed that despite my efforts to try to avoid certain school mentalities, some of it had rubbed off on me in little ways.
China
Where I am now. It's good. The internet is the only negative thing. But I've come to realize that just returning to my normal self after 3 years of hell, is just not that easy. Some parts of me have returned and I recognize them. But so much of me feels like a pingpong ball just bouncing around trying to figure out where to land. I goto Hong Kong often because I just need to leave town but I don't know why. I like my home. I feel distracted often because of no particular reason. And I cling very hard to the side of me that remains positive even if sometimes I'm faking it. Cuz I'm hoping that it will just be natural again. I'm hunting for that happy person who used to live in Chiang Mai.
But that Prayer
I still return to the prayer that I did for 2 years. for a job that literally started everything. I wonder, did I hear wrong? Why were things so bad? I persevered because it is in my personality to do so. But the price was steep. My purse literally turned into a medicine cabinet because I needed tylenol for headaches and antacid for stomach trouble and aspirin in case my chest was tight or for headaches and ponstan and ibuprofen and the list continues. I took blood pressure medication for a little while as well. But I've never understood why things went the way that they did.
The Aftermath
The aftermath has no ending. I am distracted. I'm wanting answers that don't seem to exist. I believe in God but I'm comfortable doing church at home with podcasts. I can't deal with people right now who might want to dive deeper into my soul. I'm still searching for answers and understanding.
This post wasn't positive. It wasn't intended to be. But I felt like I needed to speak. So many people in my life only know pieces of the puzzle depending on my contact with them during the different parts of my journey. This is the whole story in a nutshell.
A little background.
If you have read previous posts, then you have some background. I think it all started from my first trip to the beach in Thailand. I fell in love with the beach. I felt like I belonged there. So I started praying about moving there. My prayers lasted two years. I needed a job to go. The options were limited. I really thought this is where God was leading me and I just needed to be patient.
After 2 yrs, I landed a job at Montessori(I had no training but was interested). The pay was low. The rent was high and I was leaving a job I loved. But I thought this was where I was supposed to be. So I was willing to do the sacrifice.
From the moment I arrived, I should have realized things were off. It was no fault of my friends. The person I thought I would be working with was gone. She moved with her family back to the USA. I ended up being the person who helped interview my colleagues and give school tours despite not knowing much of anything at that point.
Fast Forward
I arrived at the beach during the last couple of weeks of my new school's end of the year. So a couple of months later, I was helping set up the new school year and starting a new school year which for me, ended up quite short lived. One week into the new school year to be exact. There just weren't enough students. I was the expendable one. I lost the deposit on the new place I was planning to move to because the place I started with was no longer available and all of us in it had to move. I thought I found the perfect new place but then I had to let it go. I had to scramble to figure out what I would do for work and where I would get a visa since my visa was tied to my job. Thankfully my employer felt bad letting me go and didn't cancel my visa.
Returning Home
I returned to the closest place that I called home. Chiang Mai. I had friends, 2 churches and a community. But I had no job. I sucked up my pride and started interviewing at Thai schools. I landed a job at one of the best schools around. Maybe just best in name. I was miserable there. My co teacher was unreliable and frustrating. I wondered why I went to grad school if this was where I was going to end up. I was just teaching English and my special ed degree was clearly not needed.
The Struggle.
When I was in Chiang Mai, I returned to church and my life just not my job. I struggled to understand why something I thought was from God could be so off. I had never prayed for something so long. I didn't know where I had gone wrong. I still don't. I met my now ex boyfriend during the transition from the beach to Chiang Mai. He was a great help. Someone I could talk to.
Bangkok
I eventually moved to Bangkok in hopes that a new job would better and to be closer to my then boyfriend. My job was not all that I thought it would be. I lost a bit of weight.I lost self esteem and I learned what it was like to dread going to work. I received criticism for everything. I got to where I didn't want to speak up at work. I didn't know what if anything that I did was right. Thank goodness that contract was only just over 7 months. Then I got a new job with a longer contract. The first year in the new job seemed like normal stress and even though I was a classroom teacher-not what I wanted to be doing, I figured I would find my way back to special ed eventually. And I did. But it came with a price.
Last year in Bangkok/Samut Prakan
I broke up with my boyfriend and found a new one prior to my last job in Bangkok. In fact we're still together. But he couldn't protect me from the 2nd year of my seemingly normal new job. In my 2nd year, the new principal quit after the first month of school. A new temporary principal was sent in. She only knew how to criticize. And whatever new things the school had started when I got the job, were reversed back to the old way of doing things with the new principal. I started to feel like I didn't know anything. Like why didn't I know that homework had to be signed. Why didn't I know which colors were needed for student grading and which for teachers. I was stressed and overwhelmed. Suddenly I wasn't trusted as teacher. None of us were. And nothing I did seemed to be right. There was also my constant pet peeve that the students received nothing but criticism from the new principal which went against everything I learned from my teacher program and American teaching. But I felt like I couldn't say anything. I wasn't Singaporean after all.
Term 2.
At the end of term 1 I knew something was wrong. Only some complaints at parent conferences, some anger at a wrong answer on the exam(I didn't grade it) and the yelling in the principal's office as I was signing out on the last day before Christmas break. I seriously think God was responsible for making sure I avoided that. I found out later that the yelling had to do with me. While I never heard details til after Christmas break, I felt like something had gone down. I didn't really see how 1 wrong answer an exam could cost me my job but still felt this need during the holiday to consult my friend with a law firm in town and my contract.
Term 2 brought in a new principal who would be more permanent. She had a more friendly exterior than the last. But 2 days after the start of term 2, I was called in for a meeting. Apparently my parents didn't like some errors that I had made during term 1 on grading homework and classwork. They had spent the term gathering evidence which they presented on the last day of term 1 hence the loud meeting. I was given the chance of resigning or quitting. I was shocked. My school wanted to fire me for grading errors? And my parents couldn't be bothered all term to share their concerns with me. I could barely process it. And to make matters worse, I was actively job hunting for this current school year and needed to look good for prospective schools. Not having a job was going to jeopardize getting a future job with any school.
My Decision
I spent the next two days consulting my lawyer friend and boyfriend who is well versed in school administration. They both had the same conclusion. Don't quit. So I told the school on Friday of that first week and stood my ground when they continued to try to point out my faults. I said my goodbyes that day and figured it was my last day. I went to the principal and discovered she hadn't sent my coordinator on a wild goose chase for my student work for nothing. She was looking for evidence but she also discovered that the parents had made a mistake. A miscommunication which the parents would have known if they had shared their concerns with me about grading errors. Long story short, I wasn't fired. My position was changed to learning support. The school didn't have such a thing but it had some students. So I spent the next two terms attempting to create it. Really I was just killing time because the school didn't really seem ready for such a position. But hopefully my students benefited during that short time. I also made a point to look busy and try to fly below the radar til the end of the year. That included limiting contact with unhelpful colleagues and only going to the principal or vice principal if I had no other option.
Freedom
I got 'free' in July. Free from the job that literally seemed to oppress me from the time I arrived each day. I left out a lot of details because I could literally write a book and it would be depressing and negative. I spent July focusing on the job I was headed to and closing down my life in Thailand. I was hoping I would still remember who I was before things went downhill. I had already noticed that despite my efforts to try to avoid certain school mentalities, some of it had rubbed off on me in little ways.
China
Where I am now. It's good. The internet is the only negative thing. But I've come to realize that just returning to my normal self after 3 years of hell, is just not that easy. Some parts of me have returned and I recognize them. But so much of me feels like a pingpong ball just bouncing around trying to figure out where to land. I goto Hong Kong often because I just need to leave town but I don't know why. I like my home. I feel distracted often because of no particular reason. And I cling very hard to the side of me that remains positive even if sometimes I'm faking it. Cuz I'm hoping that it will just be natural again. I'm hunting for that happy person who used to live in Chiang Mai.
But that Prayer
I still return to the prayer that I did for 2 years. for a job that literally started everything. I wonder, did I hear wrong? Why were things so bad? I persevered because it is in my personality to do so. But the price was steep. My purse literally turned into a medicine cabinet because I needed tylenol for headaches and antacid for stomach trouble and aspirin in case my chest was tight or for headaches and ponstan and ibuprofen and the list continues. I took blood pressure medication for a little while as well. But I've never understood why things went the way that they did.
The Aftermath
The aftermath has no ending. I am distracted. I'm wanting answers that don't seem to exist. I believe in God but I'm comfortable doing church at home with podcasts. I can't deal with people right now who might want to dive deeper into my soul. I'm still searching for answers and understanding.
This post wasn't positive. It wasn't intended to be. But I felt like I needed to speak. So many people in my life only know pieces of the puzzle depending on my contact with them during the different parts of my journey. This is the whole story in a nutshell.
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